Prioritize Your Peace: How to Decline Non-Essential Holiday Commitments

Tim Pecoraro: 00:00:22

Welcome to Blank Pages, the podcast, a podcast for people who appreciate the new beginnings of a clean slate, but strive for the courage, willingness, curiosity and creativity available only on the blank pages of new possibilities.

It's the potential to move beyond and move forward where people are willing to make new decisions from a fresh perspective and are ready to write in a much better way. The world is waiting and nothing listens better than a blank piece of paper. So, hello, hello and welcome to the show.

I'm your host, Tim Pecoraro, and I'm so glad that you are joining me today. I hope things are going well in your world as we are rolling up on a holiday season. And it's just got me thinking how, man, I love.

This is my favorite time of the year, the weather, it gets colder. Now, being originally from Connecticut, I really, really miss the super, super cold. So where I am, I'm in South Carolina and it is not so cold.

So I miss, I miss the cold, cold weather that you get when you are up north. So, yeah, so it doesn't, it doesn't get that cold. I mean, it gets, it gets chilly, but it doesn't get cold.

And I miss the cold and I love the cold because to me that's just, it feels holiday. It feels, it feels festive. It feels family. It feels, you know, Christmas, which is my favorite.

I love that Maybe one day I have to talk about maybe during this holiday season. That's what I'll talk about. I'll talk about why Christmas is important to me and a little bit about my life and stuff like that.

But hey, thanks for listening to the show and if you have not done so yet, please subscribe. So you're listening. So you could be on Apple. Excuse me.

You could be on Apple Podcasts, you could be on Spotify podcasts, you could be on Odyssey, you could be on Audible, you could be on Apple Music. So whichever one that you are on, go ahead and subscribe to the show and you can follow me there and also share it with other people.

I would love it, give a rating and a review. I'd appreciate that as well. Listen often because I'm about to launch the wait list for the community. I'll be talking about that. That's coming up.

The uphill community, it's finally ready to go and I'm working on it.

It is definitely a community where people are striving and I'll do a full episode on it for people who are definitely in their lives looking to take things to the next level.

So I'm not going to give too many more pieces to that because I'm going to do a full talk on it and I just want to make sure that when I put it world that I have it, you know, the things that I'm going to say, that I have them said, the way they're going to be said and the way they're branded and so forth and so on. Because we live in a world today where you say something, man, people are scrolling, they hear something, they grab it.

Next thing you know, you turn around and. And man, the very thing that you were talking about is online. It's crazy.

So, yeah, I just want to make sure I have all my ducks in a row before I do that. I have experienced the pickpockets many, many times.

People that are, they just don't have an original thing, so they come and GR stuff and then they run off with it. But anyways, that is life and there's plenty of things for us to go do out there in the world. And you know what, here's my thing also.

Just make sure that you're the original. When you're the original of something and you put it together in that original recipe. I mean, we all borrow, right? But just be the original.

Like, do your best to be the original and so you don't have to worry about what other people do. However, be wise, make sure you have things planned, laid out, ready to go when you're ready to talk about them. Not, not.

Not only just for the fact that, you know, you don't, you know, coming in prematurely, taking things from you, but it's mostly so that you can launch, well, invite people into things with clarity. Yeah, you just.

There's just so much more, you know, greater value in you really knowing what you're doing, why you're doing it, how you're going to do it. So anyways, I'll be talking more about that, but it is called the Uphill Community and I'm so excited about it. I have my team together.

We already did our beta group and it was awesome. So we'll be talking more about that.

So if also would like to follow me, you can check me out on Instagram at Tim Pecororo and you can also find me on LinkedIn. But those will be the two areas that I will be spending a lot of time moving forward on Instagram and LinkedIn.

So on LinkedIn it's the same Tim Pecororo, Instagram, Impeccaroro, and you can find all that's going on, but on Instagram, go To the bio, click on the link there and join the newsletter because that is where you're going to find all the regular content, things that I'm doing and things that I'm bringing forth into the world. And I don't spam your mailbox, I don't over send and over communicate.

I just tell you the things that I want to share with you that are going to, I think, add value to your life and they will have shelf life. And I will not abuse your inbox with here and another thing and another thing and you can buy this and you can buy that, but wait yet there's more.

I just don't do that. So yeah, follow if you would. And I will be adding more.

Coming up on book reviews, things that I'm going to encourage people to, to check out resources. And these are things that I do not get paid for.

I don't, people do not pay me to mention them or do anything, you know, and I haven't even entertained that idea.

All I do is I try to put things in people's lives or in front of them that are going to help, that are going to add value, help them to unlock whatever they have inside of them so that they can live the full and extraordinary life that I believe that God gave them to live. So what am I going to talk about today?

I'm going to talk about because we're coming up on the holidays just learning to say no to non essential stuff. Just say no. Saying no to non essential commitments. Right.

And it's because the holiday season, it brings a flurry of activities and events and things where you can feel obligated. There are some things that they are obligations, but things you really feel obligated to and they can quickly overwhelm us.

I know I've been overwhelmed with things. And if you are, would you raise your hand and let me know? Have you ever been overwhelmed by things that just, they just show up so quick?

So many of them, especially during the holiday seasons. Now while many of these activities are enjoyable and they're important, they may not necessarily align right with core priorities.

They may not even align with the things that are going to be good for your personal wellbeing. Now, I want to put a little side note in here. This is not about who won the election.

People that are saying, well, I'm not going to be around people because my candidate didn't win. So the last election that was one group of people. This election is another group of people. And all I'm saying is, you know, get over Yourselves.

Like choose relationship, choose relationship. None of us can control that stuff. There are millions of other people you can be mad at. But when it comes to your life, don't.

Just don't hold grudges against people because your thing didn't go your way. Okay? So I'm not going to get on either of those sides. I'm going to be on the side of people being in healthy relationships.

So when I'm talking about personal wellbeing, I'm not talking about politics. So I just need to go ahead and say that.

Now what I am talking about though is the well being, meaning that your mental, mental health as it relates to, you know, I've got everybody pulling on me and everybody's telling me how their event is so important or I've been exhausted, I've been working a lot and I need some downtime and working. So that is personal well being to me. That's what I'm talking about.

So what I want to do is just give you some strategies to help you navigate the busy holiday season. But the biggest thing that I want you to do is I want you to learn to say no. Say no to non essential commitments. Okay, that's it.

I want to give you permission to say no. Try this. It's not just shaking your head like this, left to right, left to right, left to right, left to right.

Okay, if you're seeing me on video, right, it's, it's just with the words too. No, no. And you could smile. No. Okay, so let's go into how to say no. Learning these strategies.

So the first thing in order to do this well is you want to assess your priorities, right? So every holiday season I try to look at what are my priorities.

So before I respond to any invitation or request, you know, and here's the thing, when you do this right, there are some people who will just not invite you because they probably already know that you're not going to just show up. Because it's not because you don't show up because you don't care.

It's because you know, you are just, you just don't go to everything you're invited to. And here's the thing, it is physically impossible to do it and it can be emotionally and mentally daunting. It could even physically affect you.

It could be overwhelming. That's what we're talking about this for.

So before you respond to any invitation or request, I want you to take a moment to evaluate how does it fit with your current commitments, your core stuff, the stuff that's in your day to day and your everyday. Now, I understand that we're talking about seasonal. It's once a year and I get it.

But that doesn't mean you have to give up your core and the things that are that you've been working on all year, the things that you're hoping to do. It doesn't mean you're not flexible. It doesn't mean that you won't consider some other options.

It doesn't mean that you won't be a person who allows some spontaneity. What I'm talking about is it's not going to be disruptive to the core, to the things that need to stay intact and are considered essentials.

So here's what I do. I like to ask myself these questions.

I say, well, if I go do this thing or if I do this activity, does this contribute to what my goals were for this year? Does it contribute to what I had for this season? Does it contribute to.

Let's just say I knew that I want to go spend time with people who don't have a home, people who lost their family. Right now there are people who went through Hurricane Helene where we are in the upstate of South Carolina. Like, there are people who lost so much.

What if I choose to spend time with them Because I'm a giver and I like to give. So that's in alignment with some of my goals, especially for the goals for the season that I want to love. On people who are.

Who have gone without, who have lost, people who are widows, people who are orphaned, people who may have lost their jobs and who have lost. I mean, so much stuff like, right.

That they're maybe alone completely and they don't have anyone helping so that if I can get them connected to some other people. Yeah. So anyways, you get what I'm saying? Does it match my goals for the season?

Another question is will accept and will accepting this compromise my existing commitments? So if I say yes to it, what will it do to compromise my existing commitments or wellbeing?

In other words, if I know that, well, man, I can maybe swing by there on the way and that's only 30 minutes, but then I get there and then I feel obligated to stay and talk longer and then I'm late going to the other thing. But then I miss something because I said I was committed to it and I didn't do it.

And so not only am I breaking a commitment, but man, now my wellbeing's not there because I'm going to Feel bad because I'm just squeezing things in and then people are getting the rest of me and not the best of me. So I like to ask myself that question, right? Will accepting this compromise my existing commitment or my wellbeing? How about this question?

Is this truly important or is this just a distraction? Am I just looking for a distraction? Is it really important? Do I. Is this a must do thing? Is it essential? Or am I just doing it as a distraction?

And sometimes that might be the thing to do, but sometimes we take the distraction to get away from the thing that we need to do. Sometimes it's spending time with people that maybe we haven't seen along in a long time. Maybe it's going to be hard and difficult.

Could be a family member, could be someone who didn't vote like you, but yet you avoid it. And so you want the distraction to get you away from the thing that's important. Doing the hard, best thing, right?

So you distract yourself with an easy good thing. Don't do that. So when you make an assessment like this, when you ask yourself those types of questions, it helps you to.

It gives you a place or basis to make a clear decision. It's a basis for better decision making. Okay? So you want to assess your priorities. The next thing is you want to be direct and assertive, right?

So if you do have to decline, okay? And when declining an invitation or request, here's the thing I'm going to tell you. You want to be firm.

You don't want to make it sound like you're dancing around it. Be firm and assertive without being aggressive. And so here's the thing. Just because you're firm and you're assertive doesn't mean you're mean.

And you can't let people manipulate you emotionally because of it. Now I'm going to. This is a sidebar. I'm going to slide on over here in a sidebar.

Some people, I think, and I try to buy this book and give it to people when I run into this. You need to buy the book by Dr. Henry Cloud called Boundaries. And a lot of people need to read that book. Especially around times like the holidays.

People can guilt you and shame you for things, but that is not yours to manage or handle. Okay? It's a great book. Again, I am not being paid to speak about it.

It is a book that I believe I try to read as often as possible every couple of years, re familiarize myself with it to be healthier. Okay? With this type of understanding, to make sure that I Have good and clear boundaries, but be firm. Be assertive without being aggressive.

Use clear and respectful language to communicate your decision. So here's an example. When you're being clear and respective ready.

Hey, thank you for the invitation, but I've made commitments to other priorities this holiday. So what you're saying is I've made other commitments to other priorities.

In other words, you're not minimizing because some people say, well, because you've committed to something else. Oh, I'm not a priority to you. Look, that's not the case. But there are other priorities.

Why do you have to always be the one or the thing to scoot up in the top? People will assign themselves positions in their lives or in their mind.

You have to make sure that you're able to manage it and manage the understanding that you are not responsible for where they place themselves. Now, if you tell them that they're number one and then you treat them like they're not number one, that's a problem. That's different.

But what I'm talking about is when people are. You're telling them that you have enough. You have, you have made different commitments and you've made them to other priorities this holiday season.

You're letting them know that, hey, before I've done this with you, that was a problem priority. Now I've chosen some other priorities. That's it. Be direct, be clear, be gracious, be kind, don't be aggressive. Other alternatives. Right.

So if you can't participate in an activity, consider suggesting some other alternatives. So if you can't do it, offer alternatives. Here's some other alternatives. I'm going to offer you something else. I can't do this.

Right, but I can propose a different time that works better. Perhaps after the holiday rush, we could still get together.

You could suggest a modified version of the activity that fits the schedule that you're trying to do. And it's not about you, it's about, it's what you're offering. And it's not what you're saying you won't do.

It's what you're saying you can do and what you're willing to do that's healthy. And then another alternative you could say is I can offer to contribute in a much different way. I can contribute. Such as?

I can help you plan, I can help you set up, but I can, I can't stay. Okay, that's an example. There's a party. I can help you plan, but I can't go. I can help you set up, but I Can't stay, offer alternatives.

So this approach is going to show that you're still supportive and you're willing to engage in some way, but you're not able to do it in the way that perhaps they were used to or accustomed to because again, you've made other commitments to some other priorities. Here's another strategy you can use. Use the delayed response technique. Okay?

So if you feel pressured to answer immediately because some people will not let you, what are you going to do? Are you going to come? Are you going to come? Are you going to come? Are you going to be there? You're going to do it.

You're going to, you know, like, okay, you want to, you, you need to give yourself a little space and a little time. And you might say something like this, hey, look, you know what, I need to check now, if you already know the answer, give the answer.

But if you're not sure and it's something you need to consider, you do something like this. I need to check my current commitments before I can give a definite answer, you know, and can I get back to you by, and give a specific time?

Try that. Okay, Here, if you do that, here's what you get. It allows you to carefully consider.

You get a little time to consider the request that you're being asked and formulate a thoughtful response according to what it is you say are the goals and the priorities and, and things that you would like to do in the holiday season. Does it fit?

Okay, be more thoughtful about it because remember, the goal is for you, the best gift you can give to people during a gift giving season. Right? Where people give gifts is the gift of your presence.

So if you want to be able to give good presence, think about the decision that you're saying yes to so that you can give a better gift of being truly there to be truly committed, to be truly present. Okay?

So this gives you some opportunity when you use a response, the delayed response technique, you're just taking some time to be thoughtful and considerate. Now I think it's also for you to be transparent. It's important for you to be transparent about your existing responsibilities, right?

So you want to commute, communicate about your current commitments. You want to share them and invite people into it. So you want to be transparent. So you could say something like this.

Here's an example of being transparent. Hey, I've looked at my schedule, I've looked at everything that's going on and I'm already fully committed for the holiday season.

And so taking on a new activity or this new other thing, it's going to risk compromising my existing commitments and priorities that I've already made. I've already committed and I cannot do that. I would not want to do that to you and I cannot do it over here as well.

That's just you communicating, doing it from a place that you're being considerate. And hey, that's the best that you can offer. Okay, that is the best. Now you can spend more time on it.

But listen, I'd rather you be transparent and share about being with full transparency, letting people know what you've already committed to. Here's another strategy, okay? An important part of what you need to do is you need to set clear boundaries. Okay?

This is, you know, I hate using the word strategy, but that's how most people are thinking. Like I need a way to do go about this. Listen, just this is the way to engage and do relationship. Not even a strategy.

So do relationship with, you know, being clear. Do relationship with, you know, delaying that response to think doing. Offer alternatives to do relationship.

Be assertive when you're doing relationships, but also set clear boundaries. Establish and communicate very clear boundaries around your time and your energy. Okay, so here's what I mean by that.

Hey, I've decided certain hours of each day are for family time or therefore this other community activity. And this is personal recharge time during the holidays. This is what I'm doing.

I've already set this aside and I'm not available for other activities during those periods. And so that is a way for you to set clear boundaries.

You're saying that what you've already committed to do, you're saying what it is that you're already committing yourself to and that's that. And you're making it clear their boundaries aren't for other people. They're your own boundaries, they're for you.

And you're not available for anything else except for what you said that you're available for.

Also, another way in learning to say no to non essentials in relationship, in whatever level the relationship is, you want to practice positive refusal of saying no, of turning down, of declining. What I mean by that is when you're saying no, you want to maintain a positive, you know, you want to be, you just want to.

Yeah, you want to have positive approach. You want to express gratitude and for being considered like, hey, I'm grateful that you're considering me. And acknowledge that.

Acknowledge the appeal that they invited you. Right. Acknowledge it. So, for instance, hey, thank you for thinking of me. This sounds like It'd be a wonderful event.

But I need to focus my attention or I need to focus on my current commitments and things that I'm doing currently to ensure I'm giving them my full attention for the holiday season. That is a way. Thanks for thinking of me, you know, I think it's going to be great. But my attention is here, you know, or thanks. My attention is here.

This is where it is.

And for me, I think I've had to learn to do that because there were so many things that I found myself doing out of obligation and you know, with family and friends and people saying, well, this would hurt my feelings if you don't or this makes me feel this way if you don't do this and I thought you would want to and all these things, it's like, wow, it's like that's a lot of weight. So in other words, I feel good about what I'm saying yes to. And because I'm saying no to you, that makes you feel bad.

But you would rather me give up what I know I said yes to that makes me feel good and say yes to you and feel bad about what I'm doing so that you feel better. That's insanity. You can't do that. That's not healthy. Just that's a no, can't do it. And the reason you can is because you want to remember your why.

See, I keep in mind all the time, well, at least I try to be better at that.

And it's something that I have been working very, very hard at doing, trying to keep in mind and remembering the reasons I choose to say no, the reasons I say no and because of maybe I'm focusing on my goals and I'm trying to maintain a well being for myself or as well as in the relationship that I'm trying to maintain or the relationship to the thing that I'm trying to accomplish or do.

And I want to invest, you know, in the things that I know are most important for me in that time of my life, especially in this special time of the year. This perspective that I try to hold on to, this way of thinking, it helps for me to.

It makes it easier for me to make tough decisions and to really let go of feeling guilty in the process. Like it's not a requirement for people, it should not be a requirement for us to feel guilty for doing nothing wrong.

If you're being inconsiderate, that's different. But that's not what this is. You have to start with, yes, I think of others, but there's more others in the world.

There's so many people that you can't serve all of them.

So you have to do what you know is right in those relationships that you are growing, intending to and building by implementing this type of thought process, by putting this type of thinking into relationship and especially during this holiday season so that you can say yes to what's essential. Which means you're going to say no to the non essential things. Just by saying yes, you're saying no to other things.

And by doing that, you're going to effectively and with confidence say no to the stuff that's their activities, their distractions that are in this holiday season. But it's going to help you also to where you can maintain positive relationship and focus on what truly matters during this time for you.

So remember, saying no to less important things, that's what they are, or activities or distractions allows you to say yes to those things that you're choosing to elevate, prioritize and it's going to help you to enjoy, enjoy the people, enjoy the things, the activities. It's going to be a more meaningful and a less stressful holiday experience. So put it to work. I want you to give it a try. Work on it.

It's okay to say no to those things that are non essential and decide what is essential so that you can say yes and say yes with full and complete confidence. You've got this. So kick off your holiday season. Well start thinking now and start making those choices and decisions.

Review this podcast, listen to it again and put it to work. And until next time, we'll talk soon.